Breakaway...

fallingstick @ 2007-05-28T03:54:00

2007-05-28T08:03:44Z

Hopeless love is such an odd emotion.

Every girl dreams for that head over heels, consuming, I can't live without you love....and I found it. But the bad part is it will never work out. All the signs are there...the random IM right after an hour long conversation with my friend about him, finding the card he sent me seven years ago just as I was breaking into tears, and finally realizing that there's been a picture of me and him up in my living room for as long as I can remember.

He knows I love him. I've told him. I've always loved him. And he told me he loved me and that he always had (but he said it first so I know he's not bullshitting). We just can't ever seem to get things right. I'm in a relationship, then he's in a relationship, now he just got out of basic training and is leaving to spend the next two years in Iraq and I won't even get to see him before he goes.

It's so hard because it's everything I want, everything I've ever wanted in a relationship, and its so close...I can see it, I can feel it, but I'll never be able to have it. Fate has a funny way of being cruel like that. I just want to close the door on it. I know that if I just forget about him, put it all in the past, and move on that I'll be alright. But now, the way things are, this just isn't working. That love taints every possible relationship I've come across. Every guy I'd even consider dating is now held up to these ridiculous standards...and I don't think I'll be able to be happy in a relationship again until I get over this.

I need closure and I don't think that I'm ever going to get it. The last time I talked to him (8 months ago) he sounded so hopeful that life would eventually bring us together, but I feel the wall between us continue to keep building up. But its like a glass wall, its there, but you can see right through it. Its only function is to show you what you can't have. I want him to be happy, I do. But I need to move on, I need to be able to let this go. I have too many doors open in my life and I'm closing this one, first thing tomorrow.

fallingstick @ 2007-05-18T12:50:00

2007-05-18T16:51:46Z

Recently every time I try to write on here it just ends up being a rant and I end of getting more upset than when I started so if I don't write for a while that's why.

On another note, my junior year and BU are officially over. I'm a senior baby! [with a GPA that rocks I might add =) ]

fallingstick @ 2007-05-04T16:45:00

2007-05-04T20:47:23Z

Someone called me Sway today....wow I haven't heard that in a long time. I loved that nickname....and the people who gave it to me. I miss that life, but maybe its not as far away as I thought. Maybe I'll go back to using that nickname lol, Dana is boring anyway. =)

fallingstick @ 2007-05-03T13:18:00

2007-05-03T17:19:03Z

Fuck people who think they can do whatever they fucking want and get away with it. I'm a person not a fucking object. How dare anyone ever try to make someone feel that way. What the fuck!? I'll explain later.....

fallingstick @ 2007-05-01T10:04:00

2007-05-01T14:10:11Z

Ok so I'm in class and people are giving their presentations on their term papers. Everyone is saying the exact same thing! same sources and everything. Its pretty terrible. I miss SRC presentations. I miss thing like coming up with my own theories and doing my own analysis and having people like Ginny tear it apart tell me to re-think it and then give me the chance to do it again. That's what real academics are. Its realistic in terms of research. You write something, get input, rework and go from there. That's how it should be.

We'll just add this as another one of the many reasons why I BU.

Thesis

2007-04-30T17:26:50Z

Omg....in 11 days I'm gonna be a senior. Shit! haha

Anyway I got my thesis topic approved for preliminary research. The official topic proposal is below. I am going to hate myself for the next year for this:

The primary focus will be looking at the relationship between politic psychology and politics/political science, specifically what implications it has in understanding the American democratic system. Some aspects to look at would be personality and politics, political socialization, social and political identity, political ideology, social representations and political development. An effort could also be made to try and address the relationship between the individual and collective from a psychological standpoint, but in a manner that would be relevant to the analytical and normative concerns of political science as individuals, groups, and institutions are all fundamental levels of analysis. While the primary focus would be the psychology, this would also heavily rely on aspects of political science, theory, and sociology. In trying to approach this topic, an election year is well timed and could provide an opportunity to do some case study work and real world, real time examples of these processes and issues at play.

fallingstick @ 2007-04-30T10:48:00

2007-04-30T14:53:00Z

So regardless of how empowered I feel or how much livejournal ranting I do, it still doesn't make things any les overwhelming in terms of school.....So much reading and studying....very little writing....but so much fricking reading. Seriously what kind of professor assigns an ENTIRE graduate drug treatment manual textbook thing between the last exam and the end of the year and tells you to know the whole thing for your cumulative final!?!?! *Sigh* Reading about drugs is taking over my life....not drugs...just reading about them. But after a certain point reading about them makes them seem not so bad. In theory I could addict myself to drugs then study for exam by seeing if I could treat myself to stop using. Ok so maybe a bad plan, but its at least funny in theory.

DRUGS=BAD....that's about the gist of what that book says. So helpful.

Kind of like my behavioral medicine book said and I quote:

"The disadvantage of pain is that it hurts"

Things I never would have known if I hadn't gone to college. That $40,000 well spent haha.

fallingstick @ 2007-04-28T12:31:00

2007-04-28T16:35:39Z

When you feel abandoned and the people that you drop everything to be there for blow you off.....it's time to find new friends.

Its time to completely start over....I have to.

Otherwise I'm just gonna keep clinging on to the hope of what used to be.

Maybe some time alone will be good for me and new friendships will be a better idea.

.....

2007-04-23T19:21:47Z

Broke up with the boyfriend...

someone from debate died....

too much work...

already having a mental breakdown.....

can't even put it into words...

Mistakes

2007-04-22T21:46:08Z

I feel like recently I've gotten myself into a pattern of what seems to be a long string of one mistake after another, and now I can't help but wonder with each decision I make if this will just be one more wrong choice...

Life is crazy right now. I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like I've lost sight of where I'm going. I can't get there if I don't know where THERE is in the first place.

I realized today that I have 17 days of school left. In that time I have to 4 books to read, 3 exams, 2 papers to write, and presentation (in a pear tree). Thats a lot of stuff in a really short amount of time. And add work to that too. Works sucks. It always does. I do waayyy too much work for what I get paid. Its like I do his job for him. Speaking of work I need to see if Khalil will let me borrow his Microsoft Office disc.

I made a life soundtrack today and I'm listening to it while I try to write my behavioral medicine term paper. If I could be like that by 3 doors down just came on. Thats really how I feel right now. I feel like I'm completely inadequate. I don't feel like I'm good at anything. Not smart enough, or attractive enough, or have enough personality or whatever. I don't know. I just don't feel good enough. But the worst part is I don't know what I don't feel good enough for. School? Grad School? My mom? My job? All of the above?

I feel like I'm letting people down.

Lame

2007-04-17T17:05:39Z

So I unfortunately ran into Jake again today. He looked terrible...I don't know if he isn't sleeping or what, but he was showing me everything I definitely wasn't missing. But anyway I decided something about him today. He would be like the poster model for an Ancient Greek husband. He's aggressive, controlling, pessimistic and likes his women domesticated and stupid. Looking back on all of that I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking. I went back and read through the entries in here from when we broke up and I realized how completely jaded and disillusioned I was about the whole situation. Now, things are different. Things are better. I couldn't care less what he's doing. Jake is far, far outside the realm of my lifespace (only psych majors and Lewin can truly appreciate that reference). I'm happy for the first time in a long time and a big part of that is not having him in my life.

Yay for good relationships and fresh starts! :-)

What if we were wrong?

2007-04-17T14:18:09Z

What if we are all wrong? What if everything won't be ok? Its nice to think that things always work out, but a lot of times they don't. Maybe the lies that cause things to be messed up in the first place carry over to try and convince ourselves that we can undo the damage. We all make mistakes -- that's true. But whether or not things work out is a different story. I try. I try to believe that we can fix things, but I'm realizing some things aren't fixable. Sometimes you just have to deal with the consequences life gives you when you mess up no matter how bad they are. Maybe being ok is just fighting through those consequences. They hurt like hell. You don't want to ever think about it again, but what can you? You shouldn't have messed things up in the first place. It's impossible to live a life without mistakes.

What a terrible cycle.

What do you when it wasn't a mistake you made, but the consequences are still terrible?

This part of my life is teaching so many unwanted lessons. Can't wait for a lazy summer.

Another wasted class.

2007-04-17T13:46:50Z

After arguing with my alarm clock for a good hour this morning about whether or not I should get up and go to my first class or sleep for another hour. Inevitably I got up and went to class which is where I am now.....I now realize I should have slept the extra hour. The book work, exams, etc. in this class are done, but presentations on the papers haven't started yet. So now he's babbling about nothing for the next hour and a half to be sure and if I hadn't come he would have never known. He doesn't take attendance, he doesn't care. Half the class isn't here anyway...AHHH I should have joined them.

Now he's completely changing the guidelines for the term paper. Wonderful. This sucks...paper is five pages in and NOW he changes his mind the day it's technically supposed to be do. Whatever, I'm sticking to the old guidelines. He's probably not going to read it anyway.

It concerns me sometimes that college is the way it is. For as much money as we pay, school shouldn't feel pointless. It shouldn't feel like I can in effect do nothing and still get by. I would rather feel overwhelmed and neurotic while going crazy with too much work, than feel like I have nothing to do all the time and just wait around for an exam to come up so I can lose 3 days of my life slaving to textbooks and articles to try and cram them all into my head before the exam. That's the only way to do it here.

I give up trying to understand, I'll just give in and go with it. There's not much time left in the semester. The end of BU hell is closing in fast and I can't wait.

25 days!

On another note, things in the relationship seem to be going well. There are some things I need to talk to him about, but neither of us really have the time to have an actual conversation. Maybe tonight...who knows? I just don't want to mess things up with him...he's made me happier than I've been in a long time. He seems so stressed though, that I'm really trying not to add to that.

That's all for now....this entry brought to you by orange, the color or the fruit? How ambiguous! You figure it out.

hmm...

2007-04-17T03:44:14Z

The Cheez-it commercial says that they're "more fun than you can shake a stick at"

What does that even mean?

Bad Luck Strikes Again!!

2007-04-17T03:36:34Z

Today was.....eventful lol. Didn't get back to Boston until early this morning because the train was so delayed. Had to get up ridiculously early for work. Ended up locking myself out of my room. Then went to work, but the building caught on fire and was evacuated.....twice. But after all that things started to get better. Had dinner at Bertucci's with Alex....that was good. She and I have been getting along pretty well. It wasn't ever that we didn't actually get along, it was more that we just never talked.

My time at SRC this weekend was well spent. I got my thesis topic approved for preliminary research. It's going to be on the history and development of political psychology and its implications for the American democratic system. A good portion of it will probably be case studies of different events in the upcoming election so it should be pretty good. My goal is to try and break Andy Harris' thesis record for the longest thesis in Simon's Rock history, which I'm sure no matter how long it is will inevitably be broken by Kitty the following year. So I need to set the bar high to make it a challenge for her.

I am also on a quest for a summer job. I don't understand, I'm a college graduate, I have a great resume, and I still can't find a summer job. This sucks...oh well I'm sure it will all work out.

:-)

2007-04-13T20:00:25Z

So things are going pretty good right now. I finished all my exams in one of my classes and overall I have 1 term paper, 1 smaller paper, and 3 finals left in this hell of a semester at BU.

Last night I said I love you and meant it to the first guy in a long time. He said it first so there was no awkwardness lol, but it really caught me off gaurd. I got that giddy, my heart beats a little faster, butterflies in my stomach, middle school girl with a crush kind of feeling.

So apparently I'm being kidnapped from work in an hour, being taken back to Simon's Rock, then its up to Vermont tomorrow. Mia's having a crisis = meaning she doesn't want to go alone. Oh well....roadtrip? Should be fun. I'm having dinner tonight with her, tim, and ana in the north end. That will be the most Rockers I've been around in a long time.

Work has been pretty good too. My boss is in a bad mood, but that's just the usual. Just doing a lot of typing. I apparently didn't realize how fast I was getting things done until he mentioned it, so maybe I should take my time more on things. Lol less work, more pay works for me. :-)

I guess that's all for now.

~~30 days~~

29 days!!!

Today kind of sucks....

2007-04-10T20:03:39Z

So I just got out of my memory systems exam...straight up failed. Granted I know that that I had a legitimate reason for doing so, but still....failing sucks. I hate the feeling that I have right now. I went into the exam thinking that I was pretty good, but no. Alas I was mistaken, and the exam covered a ridiculous amount more than was in anything we did in class etc. But c'est la vie.

So to follow up on my last post for those of you who don't know. I have been in and out of the hospital a lot for the past fews months. I am quickly losing kidney functioning, and my liver is functioning well below normal as well. I have been constantly struggling with the lupus and RA, and the anemia has become dangerously low. I was having trouble with blood counts, but they have begun to return to normal. In terms of the other things, I have stopped responding to treatment and they are going to have to set up a more rigorous program if things don't start improving soon. The whole situation kind of scares me because I see what Solange is going through. While my condition is not nearly as far developed as what she is going through, its well on its way. She is so strong to go through all of that and I admire the hell out of her for going home and prioritizing her health. Its definitely not an easy thing to do.

Finally, my mom -- always the master of the right thing to say -- not only yelled at me, refused to be empathetic in any way shape or form to what I was talking to her about, also hung up on me. She also made some extreme distinctions between her college and mine, however, had I said those things she would just stop talking to me for like a week and cry.

Whatever...at least now all that shit is over. On to studying for behavioral medicine (which is impossible to fail). The last test for that class is thursday.

The countdown is definitely on for how many days until BU hell is over.

31 days!

trying to figure stuff out...

2007-04-09T18:05:46Z

So I am trying to figure out my life, or at least what I intend to do with the next few years. There are so many decisions that have to be made right now that will have a great impact on my future. But, it's not those decisions that scare me; it's the fact that I do not really care what the outcome is right now. The part of me that was once full of ambition and passion is now the empty void where emotion should be. I know that I will still do something, nothing is simply not an option, but it's regaining that motivation to want to do it that is troubling me. This semester has been my worst by far in terms of my personal and academic realms. I feel like I live a life of disappointment. That it is a cycle of one bad thing after another, and while most people have that experience, I don't understand why mine have to be on the grand scale of life catastrophes instead of having bad hair days and nicks in the paint on my car. I don't want people's sympathy or pity or whatever you wish to name it, but I do want people to stop telling me that I am miserable all the time or that they're is always something bad going on in my life. Like I didn't know that already. Stop telling me that I'm complaining, because I'm not. But when you ask me how my life is going and don't want the automated response to "fine", but rather expect the honesty that is implied with friendship, don't then turn it around and make it seem like its my fault. Yes, there are a million things going on right now, but none that I have control over. Those things I can change, I don't talk about. And YES there are good things in my life, and I talk about those too -- do you listen? There are so many things going on that everyone just doesn't know, so many things that I haven't felt comfortable telling people because I have been afraid that it will be turned into me being the bitch that complains about everything she can't deal with in her life. That's not what I'm trying to be. I really just want things to get better. I want to stop having to feel the way I have expressed in this post.

I want to be happy again.

work....day 1

2007-02-05T17:22:09Z

So the first day of work is seeming to go fairly well. My one boss is extremely nice, however the other one still scares the bejeezes out of me. I've only made one mistake so far, so that's pretty good lol. (forgot to ask who was calling before transferring a call...oops). Other than that the job is easy....answer phones, type, etc. and I'm allowed to go on the internet, aim, and read when there's not anything that has to be done. I'm sure today he's taking it easy on me because its my first day, but I almost wish he would be a hard ass just so I can show him what I'm made of. I have to stay until 5:30 so thats a good sign. Full work day, not sending me home early. So far so good...I'll keep updating

3:28pm

So I've successfully managed this job for 5 hours, not too shabby. So far so good, no more silly mistakes. Mastering the art of Word Perfect is less then fun...I mean seriously who doesn't use Word?.....damn Corel....anyway. 2 Hours to go...my boss seems to like me...or at least hasn't given me any reason to think that he dislikes me. Although at one point I gave him a draft of a document to look at and there was a spelling error (don't run spell check until final draft...forgot to do it before the BOSS sees it lol) and he told me that the girl before me got fired because she kept messing up documents. So basically I'll never make a spelling error again lol.

when are things going to work out?

2007-02-04T23:51:27Z

so for anyone who doesn't want to read a terribly long, confusing, and frustrating rant....don't read this because that's exactly what I need to do.

I feel so completely incompetent lately....and more than anything I don't feel like myself. Now that I finally know who that is, its so hard when things don't seem to be falling into place. I think part of it is that I haven't been involved at BU as I am in life in general. I try to make things work, but it seems like the harder I try, the more disappointed I get. My friends are great and I know that they'll always be there for me, but at the same time I always feel like I'm the odd one out. I feel like so much of the time I end up getting left behind in so many sense of that phrase. I try to be a good friend, but lately I feel like I'm failing at that too and its getting hard to tell who are real friends and who aren't....and to those who aren't, I at least wish that I knew that so I would stop annoying people.

On the matter of feeling incompetent....there are so many reasons for that. Academically I feel like that has been slipping sooo much. Granted this semester is going better than last, but its still haunting me. And like last night I cooked for my friends and it was terrible. And the only feeling worse than thinking that you cooked something terrible, is having your friends think its terrible as well.

I don't know.
I just feel like I'm not good enough anymore.
I feel worthless and that is such a terrible feeling.
I feel like I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, that no grad school is ever going to want me because I don't have what they're looking for.
I kinow I'm not perfect and that's ok, but that's what it seems like everyone is expecting or telling me that I need to be if I want to make anything out of my life.

What the hell am I doing with my life?
That is a damn good question. I have no idea. I mean I still want to go to law school, but I love psychology too. I've been really thinking about doing the J.D./PhD program but those are going to be so hard to get into. I don't think that I have a shot in a million years of getting into Columbia. My worst nightmare is not getting into grad school right now, but even if I do state school isn't really going to get me anywhere. I was thinking today

The lyrics to a Casting Crowns song seem to keep playing in my head:

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away

thats a pretty accurate description of how I feel right now. I don't think that I can ever live up to the image that of myself that I have in my head and that I think I've allowed other people to believe. I feel like I am nothing special. That I am just any other girl. I don't think that I am good at anything, just ok at life in general. I don't know....but I guess this has been enough depressed ranting for now...maybe I'll finish it later.....

...

2006-12-18T02:01:48Z

glad to know that I'm not nor will I ever be a priority in the lives of the people I live for....

Oh Shoot

2006-12-17T19:37:39Z

So I woke up today to study for my philosophy final only to realize that its my econ final that I have tomorrow. And I needed to study forever for that exam. Oh well off to try and make the best of the situation.

oh IR.....

2006-12-14T02:35:10Z

So I'm in the Boston University Library sitted cross legged between the end of a bookcase and the heater because its the only place I can sit to study and have an available outlet. You would think that they would put outlets near the study carrels where....oh I don't know....PEOPLE STUDY?! But no BU doesn't roll that way so for the rest of my night this is where I'll be because I can't get up and leave otherwise someone will sweep in and do the same thing. I just got here actually. I spent the majority of the afternoon hiding out in the Boston Public Library with Devinne....I actually got a lot of work done there. God is that place amazing. You would never guess its a library. Its like part library, part museum, and part English mansion....its just plain wonderful. I could live there if they'd let me. Any so its back to defining word after word for IR in a vain hope that a few of them stick and maybe one or two will show up on the final....cheers for now (I'm sure I'll be writing again soon)

This entry brought to you by the letter "Z" just because....

Finals

2006-12-13T20:12:54Z

So its that time of the semester again. Late nights, too much caffeine, and massive procrastination only to inevitably fail an exam that I should have aced because the professor is an asshole and enjoys watching his students do bad because it makes him look like a hard professor. But that aside, I am trying to figure out a lot of things. First of all where I want to go to school. I miss Simon's Rock. Not the social life because I'm sure it is still as terrible as when I left, but the academics I miss like crazy. I was challenged there, I was pushed there, and I actually felt like I was learning something there. BU on the other hand has left me wanting. It is coming up on the end of the semester and I hate it here. I feel like I haven't learned naything and that this entire semester was a waste. This scchool makes me feel like I am completely incompetent and that I'm not capable of achieving the goals that I've set out for my future. And when in college, there is no feeling worse than believing you can never reach what your working for.

I don't know...I feel like I've messed things up pretty bad this time. Not in the I've ruined my life kind of way, because my life is far from ruined...but in the I made all the choices that were the exact opposite of what would make me happy kind of way. I've picked the wrong school, the wrong guy, probably the wrong major, I've made some bad friends, and I've changed in a lot of ways. Some of them are for the best, other changes not so great. I feel like I've been losing track of who I am beneath all the issues life has been throwing at me....and it still stand that no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to put myself first. I just want things to go back to the way they were, back when my life made sense. I really am trying, but it just seems to keep backfiring on me. I take 1 step forward and get knocked 12 steps back. Speaking of that, I was talking to my mom about how my grades suck this semester for the first time in..........well ever, but that's not the point.....and she told me that I need to stop being an overachiever. I responded by saying that I wasn't of course...and she was like they have help for that, I'm sure there's a twelve step program or something for breaking the addiction to excellence. I dunno, I found it amusing.

There are so many things I miss. So many things I want to go running back to....but I can't. I left those all in my past.....and I left them there for a reason. Its just hard because memories are the most impossible thing to erase. You never remember the bad things either. Just continuously idealize everything until you reach the point of wondering why you ever left it. I was listening to Sheryl Crowe yesterday and that line in her song finally made sense to me: "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad." Those things I want to run back to couldn't have been that great otherwise I would have never left in the first place. Everyone around me tells me how much better I've been since moving on from all that stuff, but I just feel empty inside. But I guess feeling nothing is better than feeling bitter and constantly upset. Maybe it just comes down to that I have the same problem that I point out to other people, maybe I really just don't know what I want. I think I do, but it seems like every step I take closer to it, the more I question it.

it was all just too little too late

2006-08-28T17:49:45Z

So after a year of fighting, Jake and I finally figured out what was wrong with our relationship. Fate has a twisted sense of humor. We finally understand what wasn't working and how to fix it, but it took losing everything to get there. So now its over...all the conclusions were just too little too late. Now its time to just call it what it was, learn from it and move on. I did love him and there is a part of me that always will, but I'll be okay. Heartbreak only lasts as long as you let it.

I started playing my piano again today...and writing. Which felt so good. I wish I had my score book to write this down. Now I am trying to memorize it on the piano. I usually don't like the music I write myself, but this song brought me to tears when I was playing it. My poetry book is also coming along nicely its about half way done. Its hard to write a poetry book though, because its not something you can force...it just has to flow or you can tell its fake.

I'm getting ready to go up to BU on Friday night. I move in saturday morning. I have so much laundry to do lol. I am feeling the stinging bite of nostalgia this week as I realize that I am not going back to Simon's Rock. There will be no more crazy unnecessary classes, out there professors, or random people knowing you're business. Well the last one I might not miss so much, but the worst thing of all is that there will be no more Mod 7!!! I am going to miss that. It wasn't my dorm, it was my home...and they were all my familiy. Even though we're all over the place this year I miss you guys like whoa! and we will have a mod reunion.

On a different yet, completely random note...I dyed my hair back to brown. Well not just brown but my natural hair color. I finally just gave in that I am no longer naturally blonde....that and I got sick of people calling my honey and treating me like I'm stupid. Its all just kind of starting new. It's a different look and I like it. It makes me feel more confident because its something new. I'm liking the idea of BU more and more. It gives me a chance to just start over without all the drama of Simon's Rock. A chance to make new friends who don't need to know everything that when on, just a chance to actually be myself for once in m life and not pretending to be the person that everyone wanted me to be.

Well I guess that will be all for now, there will be more to come later, but I can't think of anything else.